#1: A relationship thrives when you are in awe of the other person.
Each morning, I look across the breakfast table at my wife, Tara and see a woman I recognize but could never fully comprehend.
That sense of wonder keeps our relationship alive and thriving. It lets us see each other with new eyes and ask, "Who are you today?" instead of insisting, "I know who you are."
A partnership’s vitality lies not in what we know about each other, but in what we allow ourselves not to know.
#2: People are always growing, evolving, and changing, and so are relationships.
Everyone in the relationship will change. Your desires, bodies, hormones, temperaments, dreams, and wants will all shift. In nearly thirty years of marriage to Tara, I’ve been married to at least 12 different women, and I have related to them as 12 different men.
A successful partnership rests on a willingness to evolve together.
#3: Sometimes you must let the partnership die to make room for a new version.
When our kids were young, Tara and I were maxed out, tired, and disconnected.
Our marriage was suffering. We tried to “make it work” and brainstormed solutions, only to feel more stuck and tired. So, we did something radical: we let the relationship die and grieved its end. From there, we showed up as we truly were, free from the fear of losing each other.
And it made space for a new marriage to begin.
#4: Boundaries are an act of love.
I used to think boundaries were scary and controlling, but I learned they're an act of caring for yourself.
With a loving boundary, you choose what you will do in certain circumstances instead of telling your partner what to do.
Here’s an example:
Instead of saying, “You’re not allowed to guilt trip me.”
Try saying, “Every time you guilt-trip me, I am going to leave the house and come back in 20 minutes.”
One is oppressive and controlling. The other is self-caring and opens your heart to loving your partner even more.
#5: Have a willingness to say what you need.
Tara and I have learned to consciously name when something isn't working.
Everything you want to squirrel away right now is like a landmine for your present and future relationship.
Have the difficult conversations.
#6: You cannot change another person. You can change how you respond.
There is a reason why so many relationships feel like impossible work. It’s because at least one person is trying to change the other.
We cannot change each other.
We can do the self-work and introspection to allow ourselves to evolve.
#7: A trigger is often an unmet need or desire in yourself.
If something in your partner triggers you, that’s likely a part of yourself you’re not loving.
Early in my relationship with Tara, her big personality and bold outfits embarrassed me. I later learned my feelings had nothing to do with her. They were about the attention I craved and wasn’t allowing myself to feel.
When I started focusing on my self-growth and healing, I realized our relationship was a way for each of us to learn our own freedom. It was and is a gift.
When you see that your partner is a perfect person geared to help you see and heal the stuff you need to heal, then you can see them and your relationship as a blessing. They’re a path to loving and healing yourself, and to deeper and deeper freedom.
And aside from raising my kids, nothing has given me more freedom than being married to my wife.
Big Love,
Joe
→ If you and your partner are looking to better understand yourselves and each other, check out our Connection Course