The one emotion every high-performer avoids
And why feeling it is the key to your freedom
Hi there,
Last month, I worked with a founder who had just closed a Series B.
To the outside world, he looked like a rocket ship. But inside, he was hollowing out.
He told me he couldn’t shake the pressure that it was all on his shoulders. He’d stopped sleeping. He had to keep pushing. His success depended on it.
When I asked him what he was afraid of, he went to 20 tactical things.
Then I asked him to slow way down.
He paused, and then he went there:
“If I slow down, it could all fall apart. And if it all falls apart, there’s no one coming to save me.”
“I’ll be helpless.”
The one emotion every high-performer avoids
Almost every high-powered CEO I know struggles with two issues:
Feeling alone in the pressure
That eventually it all falls on them
It doesn’t matter what industry they’re in or how many people they manage. No matter how successful they become or how many decisions they get right, there’s this feeling they keep trying to outrun:
Helplessness.
This avoidance didn’t come out of nowhere. For most, there’s a moment they can trace back to, if they slow down long enough to look. Maybe it was an alcoholic dad. Maybe it was growing up poor, watching your parents juggle bills and stress and late shifts. Maybe it was something harder to name—emotional neglect, invisibility, or that you couldn’t be loved for who you were, only for your accomplishments.
At some point, something happened that overwhelmed your capacity to cope, and you realized: I am on my own.
This may look like a strength from the outside. And in a way, it is. It is what propels so many people to achieve remarkable things: Build companies from nothing, perform under pressure, push forward when others get frozen.
But it’s also the thing that needs to be felt and destroyed if you want to be a 10x leader.
There is a moment in the journey of every truly great leader when they turn around and stop trying to outrun the very feeling that built their strength.
A moment when they stop managing their inner world with the same control they use to manage their company. And that’s when your capacity multiplies by 10x.
Because here’s the counterintuitive thing: When we feel our helplessness, we actually become more capable.
You get a lot more done when you’re not trying to control everything.
You create space for trust, creativity, and shared ownership. That’s the deeper intelligence of helplessness. It’s not here to shut you down. It’s here to connect you—to yourself, and to the people you’re leading.
Experiment
Name one thing you feel like you can’t give up control of—something that feels too important, too risky, or too fragile to let go.
Now imagine the worst-case scenario if you did let go. Play it out in detail. What exactly happens? What do people think of you? What does it cost you?
Do Emotional Inquiry on the feeling:
Bonus Question: What might be possible in your leadership if you no longer had to avoid this feeling?
Big Love,
Joe
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